Everything about him screamed your future.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
