after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
