naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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