end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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