I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
