seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
