Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's never too late to be topless.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
