..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
