I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
