worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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