Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So vagazzling was a success
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
