omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize