it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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