Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
