I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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