but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
