Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
