Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize