I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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