Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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