5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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