Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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