you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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