Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
