You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
