if i can run in heels then i can drive
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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