just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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