the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
