i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Your penis caused this!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
