I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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