ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize