I am in a vortex of obligation.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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