my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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