dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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