he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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