I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
