i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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