And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
