So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
and i looked up. we had an audience...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
