Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
