I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
