it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
