??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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