No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
