How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
