I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
