Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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