Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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