I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
