If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize