i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
