remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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