hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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