I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
