You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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