My balls are so social today.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
