I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Randomize
