Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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