first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He kissed a someone with a penis
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
